I’m Not The Magic
19 Apr 2011 3 Comments
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, parenting
“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
~John 3:30
I have often cited the above verse when I spoke of those in ministry who seemed too eager for the spotlight. It’s an easy verse to use against someone else. But when the time comes to apply it to my own life, it’s not as easy.
I’ve heard it said that foster care is a calling that God places on someone’s life, and perhaps the most interesting twist about this calling is that some of the most powerful lessons are learned by the foster parents—not the children in care. I know this is true in my life, and the lesson I continue to struggle with is that John 3:30, while integral to my call, is powerfully at odds with my own selfishness. I would prefer that John the Baptist had said something like “Through service He will allow ME to increase.” But he didn’t.
My family and I have just come through our most difficult month in foster care to date. Feeling God’s leading, we opened our home to a fifth child—a 5 year-old little girl who had just been removed from a bad home situation. From the very first night, it was evident that this young lady was broken beyond what we expected. When circumstances did not go the way she wanted, the venom that would flow from her 5 year-old mouth left us all speechless. The old rhyme “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” had never rung so hollow. The words stung. Care to guess what my initial response was?
You got it. I was offended. It incensed me to see my wife and children treated with that kind of disrespect and verbal abuse. I was angry that someone who we were trying to help would respond with hatred. It was at this point that God brought John 1:11 to mind. This verse helped me realize that my focus on my own offense was not why she had been brought to our home. There was something else to be learned.
You would think that I learned my lesson and shifted my focus to where it needed to be, right? Nope. I immediately started thinking that maybe I was the missing element in fixing this girl’s brokenness. Maybe it was going to be the love of MY family that would cure her. The next two weeks proved me wrong once again.
As my wife and I spent hours in conversation about the situation, it became clear that for the good of everyone involved, this little girl would need to be placed with a foster family that was better suited to meet her needs. It was at this point that I began to see John 3:30 pop up in multiple places: conversations, Twitter messages, church sermons. I realized that I would need to swallow my own selfishness and realize that I was not the magic. HE must increase. I must decrease. We made the call to our caseworker and she was moved to another foster home.
So how does God get glory through my inability to help this little girl? The next week we found that not only was she able to reunite with her little brother and be placed in the same foster home, but the foster mother is a mental health professional who is perfectly equipped to properly address the needs of both children.
I know for certain that I could never have arranged those details.
God planned them before He said, “Let there be light.”
To God be the glory.
Empty Nest or Room To Serve?
16 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry
In the Christian community, I’ve often heard a phrase tossed around that says, “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.” At its core, this statement is true. None of us are innately qualified to do what God asks of us, but He wants us to obey Him even when we don’t know how we will do it. This obedience, this evidence of our faith (James 2:14-22) is what offers us the chance to join Him where He’s working and share in the blessings He wants to give us.
But what happens if God equips, and we never put it to use? What if we’re content to simply possess the blessings of God? Is there any substance to our prayers of thanksgiving for the gifts He’s given us if we never actually use those gifts for the purpose that He intended?
The Bible is clear that while God does bless us, He intends us to use those blessings for the benefit of others and for His glory. (2 Corinthians 9:8-12)
There are over 114,000 adoptable children waiting in the United States foster care system. In the same United States, there are over 300,000 churches. The numbers seem simple. If 1 out of 3 churches had 1 family that would adopt just 1 of these children, there would be no more waiting children. However, experience has shown that this is more than just a numbers game.
A large percentage of the 114,000 have been marginalized by something they cannot control: their age. Once a foster child reaches the teenage years, their chances of being adopted into a permanent home decreases drastically. Each year, approximately 18,000 of these young people will “age out” of the system, and be sent into the world without the love and support of a family. As many young people their age are heading off to college, these newly minted “adults” face the very real likelihood of winding up homeless, unemployed, and dependent on public assistance. (Further statistics can be found at http://www.fosterclub.com/article/foster-care-statistics)
While these young people face the uncertainty of entering the world without the safety net of a family, on the other side of the spectrum are those families that have just sent their last child to college or watched them begin a career and family of their own. These parents are suddenly faced with an “empty nest”.
Perhaps this is part of God’s design.
Is there a chance that God uses the process of raising teenagers to equip families to step in and change the future of a waiting child in foster care? If a parent is struggling with the emptiness of their “nest”, could it be that God has placed a call on them to welcome one of the fatherless into their home and provide them with a very real picture of His redemptive adoption?
What if we’re not talking about “them”? What if we’re talking about you and me?
Consider this scenario: By welcoming a 13 year-old child into your family, you have a 5 year window to pour into them and make the name of Jesus beautiful by demonstrating the love that God has shown to you. The investment you make in that short time frame can change that child’s life for eternity. That’s something no IRA, country club membership, or worldwide travel itinerary can ever do.
I wonder if maybe God is calling some of his children to simply re-feather their nest, instead of learning to deal with its emptiness.
“God sets the lonely in families…”
-Psalm 68:6 (NIV)
Children of God
09 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting
“For God so loved…”
Enough said.
Lessons From a Two-Year-Old and Tobymac
18 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, parenting
Once again, I’ve learned a valuable life lesson courtesy of my 2-year-old foster son. I won’t be shocked if he starts charging me tuition.
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I shuffled into the kitchen to make some coffee. As I stood at the counter scooping the coffee grounds into the press, he ran into the room and wedged himself between my legs and the cabinet. From this strategic position, he shot his hand upward and put his sippy cup right in front of me on the counter. He wasted no time placing his order, “Want apple juice!” My conditioned response came quickly, “Hold on.”
This began a conversational volley of “Want Juice!” and “Hold On!” that lasted much longer than it should have. (Many times I’m guilty of stooping to the level of my competition) As my exasperation boiled over, I put down the coffee, looked him in the eye and said “HOLD ON, buddy! I will get your juice in just a minute!” Immediately, he stopped asking. He had his daddy’s promise, and that was good enough.
A little later, I was driving to work and heard the song “Hold On” by Tobymac. Every time I hear that song, I think of all the adoptable children waiting in foster care. While every situation is different, I know that there has to be a gnawing emptiness associated with waiting to find a family to call their own. As I listened to the song, I thought about my experience with my little boy this morning. So often we, as the Church, send well-intentioned messages to all of these children essentially just telling them to “Hold on.”
“Hold on, it’s not convenient right now, we’re too busy.”
“Hang in there. You can do it.”
“Keep your chin up, kid. We’ll pray for you.”
But just like my responses to my 2 year-old’s juice request, we’re guilty of saying “Hold on” without giving them anything to hold on TO.
That’s why the words of Tobymac’s song really hit me this morning.
…If you can hold on, to the One that’s holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through……And the stars are up there
shining for you
oh, the Father does adore you
His love will never change…
We have something to offer them that the world does not, and it’s more than empty words. We can offer them the love of a Heavenly Father, the very one who knew them before He spoke this world into existence, and loved them enough to send His own son to die on their behalf. We offer them the promise of a Savior who said “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” (John 14:18).
But it goes beyond showering these children with clever sayings or just quoting Bible verses to them. It requires us to give of ourselves. God’s love that has already transformed our lives should overflow and compel us to fulfill God’s call to care for the “least of these” (Matthew 25:40) and the “fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17).
So let’s do whatever we can to encourage these children to “Hold on”, but let’s make sure we’re also extending our hands to give them something tangible to hold on to.
More Proof That Kids “Get It”
08 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting
I was reading a friend’s blog yesterday, and he wrote a post regarding a short conversation that had a much deeper significance–and it all hinged on a single word. Click the link below to read his story. You’ll be glad you did.
“It Just Doesn’t Make Sense”
26 Jan 2011 2 Comments
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry
Sometimes I get so caught up in singing the praises of foster parenting (because there are many to be sung) that I ignore the fact that it actually is difficult at times. I think that the best comment regarding foster parenting that I’ve heard lately came from the director of Miracle Hill Ministries here in Greenville, SC. Miracle Hill’s CEO, Reid Lehman was speaking about the need for foster parents, specifically the need for the Church to step up and fill this role, and he closed with this comment—“If you decide to become a foster parent, I can promise you one thing. Your heart will be broken. But it’s worth it.”
From a conventional wisdom standpoint, that might be the worst sales pitch ever; however, it doesn’t lessen the truth of his statement. Your heart will break–but it’s always worth it. Perhaps this is why so many people make comments like “I just don’t understand how you can do that.” Why would we set ourselves up to be broken?
Later today, I will be attending another review board hearing for our foster son, B. We’ve been to these before when we thought the course of action was going to be clear, quick, and in our favor. But after 18 months, this has yet to be the case. I’m not sure what to expect today, but I will admit that I’ve been apprehensive—even though “scared” is closer to the truth.
I’ve been scared that the case will drag on for another year, and I’ve been worried that B and his sisters will go back to the unhealthy family situation they were removed from in the first place.
With all of this swirling in my mind, I constantly ask myself, “Why do we do this?” I could rattle off a laundry list of trite answers like, “Oh, we do it for the kids” or “We’re just trying to make a difference even if we only have them with us for a short time”. I’ll be honest, if the reason were that superficial, we could find other activities that would make us feel good about ourselves.
With today approaching, I’ve been trying to get a handle on why we choose to be foster parents. While I was searching on Sunday, God showed the answer in the form of a Sunday School lesson I had the privilege to teach. The lesson revolved around Philippians 4:6-7, which says:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
After reading those verses it was pretty clear. We’re not foster parents because we have an aching conscience that needs soothing. We don’t care for these children because it’s the latest trend. No, we are foster parents because God has called us to be foster parents.
If we lived a life of ease and we never had trouble, would it be hard for people to understand why we’re peaceful? Not at all. It would be logical. And if everyone could logically understand our sense of peace, why would we need for the “peace of God, which transcends all understanding”?
We wouldn’t, and I think that’s the point.
We are called to be foster parents because God knows that it’s a situation that will place us in many situations that bring fear, doubt, questioning, strife, and pain. Since foster parenting is a choice we make (in obedience to God’s calling, of course), we are essentially volunteering to put ourselves through situations and emotions that don’t make sense. Human nature tells us to avoid these at all costs. This is why most people don’t understand, and it is precisely why God provides His peace that is beyond understanding. When we exhibit this peacefulness in the hard times, He shines! We have no choice but to give Him the glory.
We’re called to be light to a darkened world, but if we only serve God where it’s comfortable and easy, it’s like lighting a candle outside on a sunny day. Sure, there’s light, but does anyone really stop to take notice?
After realizing that God promises to give peace even in the most difficult situations, I think I understand a little better why He tells us to not be anxious, but to pray with thanksgiving. If our obedience places us in a situation where we are utterly dependent on God to find peace, isn’t that dependence—and His promise to provide—worth being thankful for?
I say yes.
What If We Win? (re-post)
17 Jan 2011 6 Comments
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: abortion, adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, sanctity of life, sanctity of life Sunday
Depending on your church’s particpation, Sanctity of Human Life Sunday was either celebrated yesterday on January 16, or it will be celebrated next Sunday, January 23. In keeping with the theme of Sanctity of Life, I decided to dust off an older post that I had done on a previous blog. If you’ve read it before, I hope it still rings true. If it’s new to you, I hope the message resonates as you consider the value of every life.
It’s been said that we Christians are best known for what we’re against. We do seem make everything a fight or a cause, don’t we? While there are certainly things in this world with which we don’t and shouldn’t agree, I think this stereotype is a sad (but true) testament to how we interact with society around us. We’re quick to point out the wrong that others are doing, but should we be doing more than simply pointing out others’ faults? Sure, we’re called to be the light in a dark world, but is it a light to help the world see The Way, or is it a white-hot spotlight in a secluded interrogation room? Do we offer assistance or merely accusation?
In 1973, the Supreme Court case of “Roe vs. Wade” cleared the way to legalized abortion. Ever since, Christians have spoken out vehemently against this practice–and the opposition is justified. If we believe that life is a gift from God, then standing against those that take life is a natural reaction–but is that all the church is called to do? Are we simply called to shout about the evils of abortion and hope that those considering the act will hear our screams or see our protests and suddenly change their mind?
I think we’re called to do more–so much more.
“We will fight for life and the rights of the unborn!” we pledge. Granted, that is a just and noble cause and one we are certainly called to champion. But does the fight end there? Are our protests, rallies, and boycotts the end of our responsibility? Viewing the issue of abortion as a contest is a common analogy, and I think that it’s a good one. At the most basic level, it really is a fight between Good and Evil–not good people and evil people–but Good and Evil on a spiritual level. If we choose to stick with the contest analogy when crafting our opposition to abortion, then it leaves me with one question:
What if we win?
Most surveys and studies place the annual number of abortions in the United States at a staggering 1.3 million. For many Christians and non-Christians alike, this figure is overwhelming in its scope and gravity. So, what if we succeeded in getting Roe vs. Wade overturned? What if abortion were suddenly illegal again? Would it be eliminated completely? Certainly not. History has shown that making something illegal has never eradicated the activity completely, but it would be fair to say that it may stem the tide just a bit. If we “won” this fight, and abortion was outlawed, imagine the rallies of celebration! Picture the rapturous church services the Sunday after the ruling! Think of the tears of joy that would be shed for the many lives that would be saved from slaughter!
Then what?
Let’s suppose that making abortion illegal only cuts the number of abortions by 50% each year. Based on conservative estimates, over 650,000 little children would get to breathe those precious first breaths and begin their lives in the United States. How glorious! How wonderful! Right? Right?
Does this change the fact that many of these children would still be born to single, teenage mothers who are terrified at the mere thought of telling their families they’re pregnant, let alone the prospect of being responsible for raising a child of their own? Does our “victory” end the scourge of domestic violence in the middle of which many women refuse to bring a child? If we finally convince our legal system to agree with us that ALL human life is precious and worthy of being preserved, does this in any way care for the children we’ve managed to save? What is our plan for those 650,000 children who have been rescued?
There are currently over 114,000 adoptable children in the United States foster care system. These are children, whose home situations were so dire that they were removed from their families and their parents’ rights were terminated, leaving them in need of an adoptive family. Until someone steps up to give the gift of family to these children, they live as wards of the state. The Church is clearly called to care for the orphan. James 1:27 says “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress”. As Christians, we claim to be “children of God” through our “adoption as sons” (Romans 8:23). With surveys indicating that there are approximately 300,000 churches in the United States of America, churches outnumber the waiting foster children by three to one. If just one church out of every three would provide an adoptive family for just one of these children, there would be no children left waiting in the system. Clearly, the numbers don’t work like that–at least not yet.
It’s time for us, the Church, not just to be Pro-Life in our speech, but to take it a step further and be proactive in answering God’s call to care for the orphans of this world; and what better place to start than here in our own country, state, city, or neighborhood? There are lives to protect all around us. We just need to see the opportunities.
Luke 16:10 tells the parable of the shrewd manager. The moral of the story is that someone who is faithful with little will be trusted with much, and someone who can’t be trusted with a little will never be trusted with more. In our fight to help protect the unborn, it seems that we’ve neglected those children who are already here. Is there a chance that the 650,000 won’t be entrusted to us until we’re faithful in caring for the 114,000 that we have in front of us already?
Now please don’t misunderstand me. Speaking out against the tragedy of abortion is right and necessary, but most of us are content to go through the motions without considering our true responsibility. Too often we use a bumper sticker, protest sign, or Facebook status as a salve for our aching conscience. It’s time that we take the next step and begin caring for the fatherless and motherless children who need us right now.
So yes, keep fighting for the right to life. Keep speaking up for the unborn child. It’s time to be louder than ever. But it’s also time for us to apply this added volume to our actions, as well as our words. After all, just think about it….
…what if we win?
My Kids Helped Me Understand John Piper
09 Jan 2011 5 Comments
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry
John Piper has done much to further the cause of Christ, but he may be best known for his quote “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” This concise statement has so much depth that it has spawned the fantastic book “Desiring God”, study guides, curriculums, and most likely a refrigerator magnet or two. But when we strip away all of the peripherals, the underlying principle is still the same—God really is most glorified when we delight in Him (Psalm 37:4).
I read the book, and I understand the concept. If I were given a test on the reading, I would score well on comprehension. Allowing this knowledge to affect my daily life is something altogether different. Some days, the distance between theory and application seems to be farther than I can travel. Fortunately, God provided my kids to help me understand Him better.
Caroline, my 19 month-old, is learning to talk, and this education process is equal parts maddening and adorable. On one hand, she has learned to scream the phrase “I WON’T IT!!!!” (the phrase is actually “I want it”, but somehow she’s picked up a Southern accent … so “want” sounds like “won’t”). These three words are used often and they are always delivered with great passion. When this girl wants something, she wants it. It doesn’t matter if she’s at home, in church, at the grocery store, or visiting the Our Sister of Silent Servitude Convent—everyone is going to know she wants it–whatever “it” is. On the other end of this intensity pendulum is the way she says my name.
Like me, Caroline is not a morning person. She has already shown that she loves sleeping in, and for this I love her beyond words. However, due to work and school schedules, Monday through Friday we are all up before we care to be. On the days that I haven’t abused the snooze button on my alarm clock, I have a few spare minutes to go into her room and get her out of her crib. Without fail she is bleary-eyed when I get there, but as she rubs her eyes and sees that I’m reaching out for her, the sweetest smile breaks across her face and in a voice as light as spun sugar she says “Heeeey, Daaa-ddy”. I melt every single time.
Since she is only 19 months old, she has no concept of delighting in our Heavenly Father. I pray that one day she will accept His gift of salvation, but until then I have the daily challenge of being the father worthy of her delight. As her Daddy, her Abba Father, I can truly say that these mornings are my favorite moments. I can’t help but think that this is just a fraction of the joy that God feels when one of his children shows Him the same affection.
Yet again, I’m amazed what this little girl teaches me. Her big sister also managed to give me a lesson this morning.
As we were beginning our worship service at church, we started with a few worship songs just as we always do. Like any 9 year-old, there are days when Emily would rather sit with her friends than with her family. I understand and don’t have a problem with it, but this morning was different. This morning she sat with us, and I’m glad she did. During the song “Jesus Paid It All”, my little girl reached over and hugged me while she sang. At first, it was just her hugging my arm. By the second verse, my arm was around her and she was hugging my waist. As we got to the third verse, she was standing in front of my with my arms draped over her shoulders and across her chest. As we continued to sing, I could hear her singing the words “Oh! Praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!” The moment hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. My little girl was finding her delight in her earthly father AND her Heavenly Father at the same time.
She didn’t welcome my embrace out of guilt. It wasn’t something on her relational checklist. It wasn’t something that she had been instructed to do. She did it because she loves me. That’s what made it special.
At the same time, she was showing me the progression that my wife and I have prayed for. She was building on the love of her earthly father and learning how to express her praise and love for her Heavenly Father. I can’t help but think that He was smiling too.
During this one song I could see a transition, and this transition made perfect sense to me. As parents, God allows us to model His fatherhood for our children. They learn how to love us, so that one day they will know how to love Him. His glory is the ultimate goal. As they see our joy in their affection, they get a small glimpse of what they will find as a child of God.
John Piper’s right. God IS most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.
Thank you God, for blessing me with my children to help me understand this.
Waiting Children Need Storytellers
07 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting Tags: adoption, foster care, foster parent, orphan care, orphan ministry
Raconteur is one of my all-time favorite words. I realize that it’s just a fancy word for a “storyteller”, but I think it lends an air of mystique to teller of the story. Sadly, storytelling is an art that seems to have lost its appeal over the years. Today we have movies and TV shows that can tell a visual story, but gone are the days of sitting around a skilled raconteur as he or she regaled the listener with stories that caused their imaginations to soar. These days, it seems we’re content to let technology force feed us all the details that make a story come alive. There are plenty of people who can recite facts or describe settings, but we seem to have lost the true storytellers—the raconteurs.
Earlier this week, I had the privilege of assisting with the setup of a South Carolina Heart Gallery exhibit at our church. For those that aren’t familiar with the Heart Gallery, it is a photographic display featuring children from the state who are legally free to be adopted but waiting for a family. Local photographers donate their time and services to capture these precious children’s personalities in order to give an actual face to the statistics. When you see one of these displays and you look into the eyes of the children, it’s impossible not to be moved. One of the unexpected rewards of simply being a part of this setup process was that I had the chance to meet a modern-day raconteur. Millie Qualls is the director of the South Carolina Heart Gallery, and while we were arranging and hanging pictures, she told story after story about the children in the photographs.
From the little girl who placed far more hope in a wishing well than you or I will ever understand, to the older girl who had returned for her second photo session telling the younger children to be sure to “smile and look cute”—because she believed she hadn’t found a family since she hadn’t smiled in her photo the previous year, to another child who has watched her siblings find homes while she remains in foster care…on and on, these stories flowed naturally as Millie handed me each picture to hang.
This made me realize that she was doing exactly what needs to be done for these children—something they cannot do for themselves. She’s telling their stories. She shouldn’t be the only one. Every child that waits for a family has a story. Each story is unique. Each deserves to be told.
Perhaps you aren’t called to actually adopt a child, but you can certainly help bring back that lost art of the storyteller. Find a child–whether through a Heart Gallery, local DSS office, or children’s home. Make some calls. Invest yourself. Learn some details about them. Then tell their story wherever you go.
There’s no pressure on you. You only have to tell the first part of their story.
The rest remains to be written.
But because of you, there can be a better chance of a happy ending.
Someone Else’s Children?
02 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adoption, Christian, Foster Care, Foster Parent, orphan care, orphan ministry, Parenting
I’ve been reading the book The Hole In Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns, President of World Vision. In this book, he addresses the Church’s mandate to minister to “the least of these” in this world, and in the last chapter I read he was focusing on the call to care for orphans.
Specifically, he was addressing the fact that even though technology can allow us to see images of orphans all over the world, we’re able to sleep just fine at night because it doesn’t really hit home. He contends that this is due to the fact that we consider these children to be “someone else’s children.” This allows us to distance ourselves from the pain, and in turn it deadens our sensitivities to the need.
Whether the fatherless children are in a Third World country or languishing in the foster care system right here in our own towns, God calls us to care for them. Essentially, God has entrusted them to us. This means that they are not “someone else’s”. They’re ours.
I was trying to figure out how to write about this subject when I came across a powerful video by Eric Ludy of the Ellerslie Mission Society. After taking the time to watch and listen, I realized that I couldn’t present the message any more powerfully than he does in this video message.
I would challenge you to take a few minutes and watch this presentation. I think you’ll be powerfully affected to look at the subject of orphan care on a much more personal level.
I know I was.
